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Part 3 of funny text conversations

This time Charles gets the lengthy comedic response.

Me: My mom killed my car battery with the window cracked open, and it's raining. I'm very much not happy right now.
Charles: Son of a... I wish I knew how to help you. Or make you feel better. Preferably both.
Me: I don't suppose you could get my mom a fabulously paying job so she can afford a new car and give my car the fuck back, could you?
Charles: With your luck, your mum would wreck the new car and quit the job because she doesn't have transportation. And continue to be lazy collecting unemployment. Then she would fall in a hole somewhere far away from where you are, survive, and call you to demand that you drop whatever you're doing and get over there RIGHT FUCKING NOW. However, you'd be able to laugh at her because we'd be in Europe and wouldn't get home for a month, and fuck if we're going to buy a ticket back just to haul her ass out of a hole.
Me: ... That was awesome.

A facebook conversation with Annie

Time for another one of my text based conversations that ended up in a completely different place from where it started.

Me: What time should I be at your house Wednesday?
Annie: Is Charles riding with you?
Me: I don't know. I got the impression he wasn't, but I'm not entirely sure...
Annie: I can't give you a time unless I know.
Me: I'll text him.
Annie: Okie dokie.
Me: He's asking his parents. He'll get back to me in a minute.
Annie: Ok.
Me: Inevitably, only one of his parents will be home, so they'll have to call the other to see what they can work out, and one will be working on that day, so they'll have to ask their supervisor, and their supervisor will have to call someone to see if they can fill it, and the person filling in will be someone working two jobs, so they'll have to call their second job to see if they can work their first job that day, and their second job is as a secret service agent, so somebody will have to call the president to see if he needs to be guarded, he'll give the ok, the person filling in won't be guarding the president at an important occasion, and with his guard being gone, he'll be left open for assassination and the whole country will be taken over by communists.

...Maybe Charles shouldn't go to to this party.
1) Left my mp3 player in my dad's car.
2) Sold my books back to UCM. Didn't get enough to get the loft I was hoping to buy with the money.
3) Probably failed my physics final.
4) Without a doubt failed my Geography final.
5) Got 5 steps out the door of my bombed final and my mother calls to nag me about my future.
6) Checked blackboard to look at my grade in Geography. An assignment that I definitely turned in on the proper due date is marked as a 0. Not sure if it hasn't been upgraded or if I'm really just that stupid.
7) Confirmed that my ex-boyfriend's dad has hated me all along. For no specific reason.
8) Looked for the listed reading material for American Lit to study with. Couldn't find it. Had nothing to study.
9) Was actually fortunate to find somebody in my class that had the syllabus, and used it to study for my test today. Studied the wrong things.
10) Despite studying the wrong things, still feels reasonably confident that I did well on the test. Except the teacher uses a sadistic grading curve that, with my luck, will probably get me a D on the test anyway.
11) Made plans with someone for them to help me clean my room and pack my stuff in exchange for a ride home. Depended on them to be there to help out. Found out that person got another ride home earlier in the day, and would not be helping me.
12) Charles in Lee's Summit, Jacob not answering door, not knowing anyone else in the hall, had no one else to help.
13) Cleaned room and packed things entirely by myself.
14) Fell behind schedule because I had not accounted for having no help.
15) Wasn't ready to check out at my appointed time, 1 because I wasn't ready, and 2 because I didn't know I had to mop my floor as well. Wasn't given that information, but was blamed for it anyway.
16) Suite mate and roommate both left things behind when they moved out, which I am now responsible for.
17) Had three more bags of things (not mine) and two bathroom mats (not mine) to carry to my car, which took an extra trip.
18) Officially checked out an hour later than I was supposed to.
19) Got home, unloaded everything (by myself) and went to drink a bottle of neuro sleep to relax and get a fantastic night's sleep after the week I've had. Didn't get to drink bottle of neuro sleep because mom threw it away, thinking it was old. Had been looking forward to it all week, forcing myself not to drink it earlier so I could enjoy it tonight. Not sold in Holden.
20) Finally felt the full weight of the entire week crash into me. Broke down and cried.

All of this on top of the fact that I still don't have a job, I never wanted to go to college in the first place, I still don't know what I want to do with my life, and therefore am probably never going to find a good enough job to pay off the debt that I'm going to be in for my entire life. If I ever find a job at all. Also, can't move in with my sister until I do. That being said, I think I'm depressed.

This is been the most depressing day

Really. I can't remember the last time I was this depressed. School, hurry up and be over please?

I'm pretty sure I failed my geography final. Bombed it, in fact. Which, seeing as how it was the first thing I did today, it was a lovely way to start off. And of course no bout of misery is complete without a call from my mom to really bring things home. I had literally just walked out the door of the test and my phone goes off. I should have just told her my finals were going fine, but you know me, can never lie about ANYTHING.

Then I had to listen to her nag me and tell me to get on my studying in and how important my last two finals are, how my grade point average, my classes next semester, and the rest of my college career depends on me getting good enough grades on my remaining finals to bring my GPA up. How I'm going to have to explain to my dad why I have bad grades. How I need to go back to my room right now and study for 4 hours, take a break, and study un;alsdkjf;as I can't even finish because just thinking about it pisses me off. She's the least helpful person I know in my life, yet she's always the first to spring forward with "advice" and demands. I was already feeling depressed over my final, and every time I think I can't feel worse, my phone rings and she proves me wrong.

Played Six Degrees of Separation when I got to the Union. Discovered I have a knack for connecting two actors, no matter how far apart they may seem. Playing that for a while got my mind off my bad mood for a little bit. Then I was sad again.

Confirmed that Charles's dad hates me for some unknown reason. I've suspected it for quite some time. No reason, really, it was just a feeling I had. He's always been perfectly nice to me and has never given me a reason to think he doesn't like me. But for some reason, I've just never been able to shake the feeling that.. he just doesn't like me. I made a passing comment about it today, and Charles confirmed that yes, his dad has some problem with me, for reasons neither of us know. It shouldn't bother me as much as it does, seeing as how I've pretty much known for years. I don't know. I guess it's just one more thing to happen today to make me feel like crap. That, and it makes me wonder if any other people that I suspect don't like me for no reason really don't like me.

Mom just texted me to ask how the studying was going, and I've never had to fight so hard to tell someone to fuck off. I really considered it for a moment. I'm so sick of seeing her name flash across my phone, or answering her fucking questions. All she ever has for me is questions. No matter how many questions she demands I answer, she always has more, and when she isn't questioning me, she's nagging. Nag, nag, nag, nothing I do is good enough and I'm a worthless failure and I'm sick of thinking about her because as bad as I feel, no one can make me feel as worthless as she does. I feel so worthless right now. I just want to roll into a ball and cry until finals are done and I can go home. Not with her though. Even if I don't have a job, I'm still going to go straight to my sister's as soon as I get home.

And that was a more depressing interruption than I intended, but that's what mom is good for. I can't even write a proper emo post without her butting in to make me feel worse. I didn't respond to her second text. She's probably going to call. I just want to be left alone. I just want everyone I know to just stop talking to me for a bit and let me be depressed. Because if I hear my phone go off one more time today, I'm removing the battery.

My dad did call earlier to ask how school was going, and when I told him, he was once again more understanding than mom gave him credit for. He promised it would all work out. It won't, but it was comforting for a little while. Listened to the happiest song I could think of, and that made me smile. Took a break from studying to play minecraft, hoping it would get my mind off things for a little bit. Then I got attacked by zombies and gave up. I just want the week to be over. As soon as I get out of school, I can go back to my normal happy-go-lucky, nothing-gets-to-me self. I always get burnt out at the end of every school year, and I always just want it to be over, but this is probably the most depressed it's ever made me and I hate it and I just want it to go away.

Two more days, and maybe I can be happy again.

Texting: A Tale

This was a conversation Charles and I had through text. I wanted to document it.

Me: How goes the Buffy watching? I have to check in on you every hour when I know you're watching it or I get all figity.

Charles: XD Afraid I'll revert to Dragon Age?

Me: No. Well, yes. But mainly I just like to check your progress. You're like a download and the number of episodes you've watched is your percentage completion.

Charles: Excellent. Am I a good download? Something fun, like a pokemon emulator?

Me: You're one of those massive downloads that takes up tons of space and a week to finish all the way, and every time you leave the computer, someone turns it off or the power goes out or an earthquake hits only your house, causing the raspberry soda you left on the computer desk to spill all over the keyboard and cause a short circuit that catches the computer on fire and the hard drive melts a hole in the floor, which you fall into and get trapped in the basement and nobody's home because your parents are on vacation and you left your cell phone to charge so you can't call for help. Meanwhile the computer is still on fire and it burns the house down, so when your parents come home, they think you died in the fire and set up a memorial for you and move to connecticut because the memories are too painful and when you finally get out of the hole, you have to go through the foster situation to finally get adopted and start the download process all over again. But you're much more careful this time because you really want your download to finish and you know it will be worth it.

Charles: Well! Is there an entire chapter of your life you haven't told us about, Chelsea? Or did that happen to a friend of yours?

Me: I'd rather not talk about it.


My mind frightens me sometimes.
It started off simple enough. I wanted to make sure I could get my car out of the parking lot so it would be ready to go when I wanted to go home. I walked down to the parking lot, saw that it had been plowed and it wasn't two feet of snow everywhere I looked and thought, "Great. Now I just need to get the snow off of my car and clear whatever's around it." All of the snow that had been built up on all the vehicles had already melted, so it seemed like an easy enough task.

Once I made sure that my car would start in the first place, I set to work clearing off the area around it. When I felt confident I had cleared away enough snow, I tried to see if I could back out.

I couldn't.

Or at least, not all the way. Because my car decided to wait to tell me that backing out wasn't an option AFTER it was pulled out far enough to block the isle. "Oh well," I thought. "I guess I'll just put it back and wait for some more snow to be cleared. It's still too much right now." And it was. Way, way too much. Not enough to stop my car from moving, but enough to prevent it from going anywhere after that. Backing up didn't work. Pulling forward didn't work. I got out to clear away more snow, even going so far as to lie down on my stomach to clear away some of the snow from underneath the vehicle.

I cleared what I could from around the wheels and as much as I could reach under the vehicle with the pathetic center console lid that was my shovel. Alas, my efforts were in vain. I knew I would be needing assistance, so I called Anna, who called Rebecca, who gathered up a couple of guy friends to come help me. They pushed and shoveled and chained my car to their truck, and we dug and dug and dug for a very long time, with minimal results. After digging and pushing for over two hours, we were all freezing our limbs off. I quite seriously thought I had frostbite in my toes, and my lips were so cold I was having trouble speaking. We all vowed to try again later, or even just let it sit there overnight, since they would just call a tow truck if it was in the way, which was kind of what we wanted.

Upon walking into our dorm, we noticed the lights were oddly dimmed. We asked what was going on, and were told that a snowplow had crashed into a power line, and there was no power in our building. Which also meant no heat. They said they would try to have it fixed within a couple of hours, but if it wasn't, they would have to evacuate the building. I texted Mrs. Wright to see if she could pick me up if I needed her to, then called my mom to tell her the situation. She gave me a number for three different tow trucks, all of which were busy, of course, and then called her back. She gave me the number for campus security, and they sent a cop to meet me by my car.

I grudgingly left the safety of the not-heated-but-still-warmer-than-outside building and trudged across the parking lot. Mr. Helpful was there to tell me I needed to put my car back in its space because it was in the way. I don't know why I didn't think of that before. I told him that I had four guys in a truck trying to get me out for over two hours, and nothing we did was doing any good. He just told me to call them up and try again, because all the tow trucks were too busy to come help me. Feeling remorseful for dragging my poor friends-of-a-friend back outside, I called Rebecca and sheepishly asked them to come back down. In the meantime, the cop went and grabbed a few passers-by and handed me a snow shovel that was much more useful than the shovel the guys had tried using earlier. I shoveled what I could and Officer "you need to get your car out of the way" told me to put it in first gear. He and the random kids he had collected got behind me and started pushing. At first it had the same result as it had before: the front tires spun uselessly and I smelled the heartbreaking smell of burnt rubber.

Then came the most brilliant thing that's ever been said ever (and that's not sarcasm, just so you know.) He told me to put it in first, but don't hit the gas. He said to put it in first and give it just enough to make it move without making the wheels spin. I did so, and about six people shoved themselves against the back end of my car and... viola. Magic. Movement. The car slid beautifully back into the safety of its parking space. I'm never driving it anywhere again. Even when the snow melts, I'm never taking it anywhere. As soon as I start backing up, a snowdrift is just going to materialize underneath me and I'll spend another three hours trying to get it back. This is going to happen in the middle of August, by the way.

Oh, and on top of everything else, I lost a glove. >:( Because that's exactly what I needed to happen. It was as if the day was taunting me by stealing my glove right out of my pocket. Anyway, it went back into the still-powerless-and-colder-than-it-was-an-hour-ago building and called my mom. Then I called Mrs. Wright and told her my building still didn't have heat, so I was going upstairs to pack my bag. In the dark. Because it was 7:30 by this point, and the sun had gone down. Luckilly, I can see fairly well in the dark, so it wasn't as big of a hassle as it could have been. Just as I had packed the last item into my overnight bag, the power kicked back on. Miffed at how many forces of nature seemed bent on laughing at me, I called Mrs. Wright and told her the power was back on. She asked if it was back on for good, which I didn't know, because it had tried to come back a couple of times with no luck. She said it would be a better idea to come anyway, on the chance that it might go out in the middle of the night and I would have to wake her up to get a ride, so she sent her husband to collect me.

And that's how I came to be sleeping in a third grader's room.